Harry Potter and the Holistic Detective Agency
by The Rarest Sexiest Coinkydink
Summary: The members of the Holistic Detective Agency have dealt with time travel before - but not like this. An owl on a kitchen table at 4:30 in the morning leads to a case that, at first, doesn’t seem like their thing. Set during Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, how will the team handle Hogwarts? And what will happen when another remnant of Project Blackwing emerges from the shadows?
1. Why is there an owl in our kitchen?

Harry Potter and the Holistic Detective Agency

A/N: Hello there! I'm Azriel – call me Azzie – and this is the very first fanfiction I've ever written. So any feedback you have is very much appreciated : ) I hope you enjoy reading!

Summary: The members of the Holistic Detective Agency have dealt with a time machine before – but not like this. An owl on a kitchen table at half past four in the morning leads to a case that, at first, doesn't seem odd enough for the agency to tackle. That soon changes. Set during Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, how will the team come to terms with the events playing out inside Hogwarts? And what will happen when another remnant of Project Blackwing emerges from the shadows?

Disclaimer: Only one of the characters in this fic is mine – and they won't appear in this chapter. All of the others belong to JK Rowling and Douglas Adams.

Chapter 1: Why is there an owl in our kitchen?

Todd Brotzman hated being woken up before 9 o'clock – which was why, when Dirk Gently's panicked scream woke him up at precisely 4:36, Todd's first reaction was not concern; it was anger. As he dragged himself out of bed and stumbled sleepily towards the agency's kitchen, tripping over his flannel pyjama trousers as he went, he was contemplating how best to show Dirk his immense displeasure – a swift knee to the balls would probably work. Todd entered the kitchen, ready to give the bumbling holistic detective a piece of his mind, and stopped dead in utter bewilderment. There was an owl on the kitchen table.

Noticing that Dirk was sprawled on the tiled floor, watching the owl with a mixture of confusion and fascination, Todd couldn't hold back the questions. "What are you doing? Where did the owl come from? Why is the owl here? Why are you awake? Why were you in the kitchen? What the hell is going on?"

Dirk jumped slightly, glanced quickly at Todd, and then returned his attention to the owl. "I can answer two of those questions. First, I am having a staring contest with the owl, and I think I might be winning. Second, I am awake because I had a bad dream."

The annoyance on Todd's face softened into concern; Dirk didn't often complain of nightmares, but when he did it was clear that they were bad – the usually grinning Englishman was quiet, thoughtful, with the occasional frustrated outburst. "Are you okay? Was it, you know… Blackwing?" Todd knew that Blackwing was the subject of most of Dirk's nightmares, which was understandable; the psychological torture that he had been subjected to for the two months he was there would have an impact on anyone.

In the dim coolness of the kitchen, the silence was chilling. Dirk took several moments to answer the question. "It doesn't matter – what matters is that there is an owl in our kitchen Todd! An owl! Don't you see?" Changing the subject – he often did that when Blackwing came up. Todd could understand why he didn't want to think about it much.

"See? See what? What's the connection?" Todd sighed. He really wasn't in the mood for Dirk's 'everything is connected' speech while his brain was still lusting over his bed, so hopefully skipping to the important bit would mean that Dirk would explain the weirdness in the kitchen without repeating what Todd already knew.

Dirk frowned. "No idea. What would there be a connection to?"

Todd rolled his eyes, "Christ, even at 4:30 in the morning you're an irritating piece of shit." It seemed like that was Dirk's real talent: annoying everyone he interacted with.

"Actually, it's 4:40, and – oi!" The Englishman's brain had caught up with his ears and registered the fact that Todd had insulted him. "That's rude!"

"Yeah, that was the point." Deciding not to get into an argument, Todd decided to get backup involved. "I'm too tired to deal with you alone, I'm waking Farrah up."

Turning away from Dirk and the owl, Todd saw Farrah leaning against the door frame, looking just as tired and disgruntled as he felt. "Too late. I'm up. What's the owl here for?"

" No idea." Todd shrugged.

Farrah pointed at the owl, frowning slightly. " What's that?"

"An owl," Dirk said incredulously, looking at Farrah like she was a small child.

Before he had the chance to begin questioning Farrah, she cut him off. "No, genius – the thing it's holding."

Todd and Dirk's simultaneous question made Farrah lose some of the little faith she had left in both of their intelligences. "It's holding something?"

Farrah sighed. "You two are useless. It's a letter." She walked over to the table and untied the letter from the owl's leg, stroking the majestic bird gently as she did so. She unfolded the letter and began to read.

Dirk stood up, his usual grin firmly on his face. "Fascinating! Who is it from?"

"Give me a moment! I can't read that quickly." Farrah's eyes moved as she skimmed the letter, her expression of curiosity deepening into a frown as she read. "Apparently it's from a man named Albus Dumbledore."

Todd scoffed. "What kind of a name is that?"

Farrah bit her lip. "You might want to read this for yourselves – I'm completely lost."

Moving closer to Farrah, the boys began to read the letter.

 _From the desk of Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

 _Dear Mr Gently,_

Todd looked up at Dirk. "He knows you? How?"

Dirk shrugged, clueless. "He says that someone gave him an address to send the letter to, but that the person didn't know why this address would be helpful – just that it would be. How strange!"

 _I do hope that my letter finds you, for I am in need of some assistance and I have been told that your people would be able to help. Although I must admit, the person who gave me this address said that they were unsure of how you could help, just that you would be able to. Enclosed is a newspaper clip that should hopefully shed some light on the events that have caused myself and my staff such concern._

 _In short, we need to find who put Harry Potter's name into the Goblet of Fire – a feat which should have been impossible. Considering that young Mr Potter could easily be harmed by the events to come in the Triwizard Tournament, we are taking this as a probable attempt on his life, so we are obviously very concerned and would appreciate your help as soon as possible._

Farrah had found the newspaper article, and was reading it with raised eyebrows. "Wait, look at this – this newspaper clipping is from 1994, but this Dumbledore guy is talking like these events are happening now. Does that mean we have another case involving time travel?"

Todd groaned, glaring up at the ceiling as though it could do something to fix the mess they had gotten into. "Great! Just great! As if the last one wasn't confusing enough!"

Dirk gasped, derailing Todd's train of thought. "That picture just moved!"

Todd glanced at Dirk, concerned. "Are you sure? You haven't slept properly, maybe your mind is playing tricks –''

Farrah interrupted him. "No, it did move – I just saw it!" She passed the clipping to Todd, who immediately saw what the others had seen: the picture at the top of the article was moving! It was of a group of teens, who looked like they would rather have been anywhere other than in front of a camera. One looked a few years younger than the others. Every few seconds, a bright light appeared, like a camera flash. Was it a gif then? But how had they managed to put a gif onto a piece of paper?

Todd passed the paper back to Farrah and pressed a hand to his forehead – all this weirdness was giving him a headache. Then again, he supposed that he should have gotten used to it by now, given that he hung around with Dirk Gently: the man was practically a magnet for odd things. "Oh God. What is it then – magic? Some sort of witchakookoo thing? Like Wendimoor? Because that was freaking nuts!"

Dirk looked thoughtful. "I think it's different to that – quite different. But it's definitely magic." He grinned, imagining what kind of magic they were looking at, and wondering whether he would be able to learn any. The brown haired Englishman had the energy levels of a toddler – and clearly the mental age of one.

"Fantastic." The sarcasm dripping from Farrah's mouth was so potent that they could practically taste it in the air.

Dirk squealed, smacking Todd's shoulder in excitement. "Look! This part says that Dumbledore got the address from somebody who came from 2016! So it does involve time travel!"

 _The person who gave me this address said that your team only works with the most bizarre of cases, so hopefully telling you this piece of information will capture your interest enough for you to come and help us: the address came from a person who has travelled here from the year 2016. At first, I did not believe that they were being truthful, and indeed suspected them of being behind Mr Potter's selection. However, after they showed me some extremely compelling evidence in their favour, I believe them fully and decided to take their advice and ask for your help._

 _If you show an interest in solving this case, you will be transported to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where I will meet you to discuss an appropriate course of action._

 _Yours faithfully,_

 _Albus Dumbledore_

 _Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

Todd groaned again, before swatting Dirk's hand away from his shoulder. The 'kicked puppy' look on the other man's face was priceless. "Oh joy."

"But, if this is time travel, how are we supposed to solve a case from 20 years ago if we don't have a time machine?" Farrah had an excellent point. No matter how great their interest was in the case, if the events they were supposed to be working with were happening twenty years in the past, how could they be of any use?

Todd noticed something that left a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach. "Was that glowing before?" The piece of paper in his and Farrah's hands was glowing with a faint blue light.

Dirk appeared to be frowning and grinning simultaneously – in short, he looked slightly constipated. "I don't think so… Maybe it's the time machine!"

As Dirk reached out to touch the paper, Farrah sighed in exasperation. "Don't be stupid Dirk – a bit of paper couldn't be a time machine, surely -"

A sudden flash of light filled the kitchen, and when it disappeared, so had they.

Miles away, in the Rowdy 3's van, Amanda jolted awake, sweating profusely. It was just a nightmare, she tried to reassure herself. Just a nightmare. The empty feeling settling inside her was awful: why did she feel like something important had just happened? Looking over at Vogel, who was sleeping curled under a fluffy blanket on the floor of the van, Amanda reassured herself that everything was fine. If she was still worried in the morning, she could call Todd and the others. Yes, that would work.

Calling them would show her that she had nothing to worry about, for sure.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I'll try to keep these updates regular and frequent, but I can't make any promises. I hope you can stick with this story regardless and enjoy what I've written. Please, leave me some feedback so I can work on things to improve in later chapters. Thanks!

Much love, Azzie xxx


	2. Rainy, rainy England

Chapter 2: Rainy, rainy England

The next thing the trio knew, they were standing at the edge of a forest, with the sun setting in the distance. And it was raining. Hard. Todd shivered; the combination of the rain and low temperature meant that the damp pyjamas clinging to his skin felt like sheets of solid ice. "Where the hell are we?"

On the other hand, Dirk was beaming gleefully, not caring that he was already drenched. He spun on the spot, throwing his arms out wide and cheering, "We're in England!"

Farrah glanced at him, fighting to keep a smile off her face as Dirk danced around in the rain. "How do you know?"

Dirk looked at her as though the answer was obvious. "It's too rainy to be America. Trust me."

Slightly alarmed, Todd turned to face Dirk. "If we've been moved to England, could we have also been moved back in time? The letter said this was all happening in 1994."

Before Dirk could answer Todd's question, Farrah frowned, and said in a half whisper, "Can you hear that?" The boys turned to look at her, concerned.

"Hear what?" Todd couldn't hear anything, and judging by the look on Dirk's face, neither could he.

Farrah pointed into the shadows where the treeline began, where something appeared to be shifting in the gloom. "Someone's coming!" As the figure approached, they saw that it was an elderly man - it was impossible to determine his age, because although he was frail looking and wizened, his eyes sparkled with a youthful glimmer that reminded them of a few rambunctious eleven year olds that had stopped by Todd's flat last Halloween.

The man came to halt in front of them, seemingly unbothered by the pouring rain, and introduced himself. "Good evening! I hope your journey was not too difficult. My name is Albus Dumbledore - I see that you have read the letter I sent and accepted the case. That is wonderful news; your assisstance is much appreciated."

In the moments after the man finished speaking, something he had said registered properly in Todd's brain. "Wait- what do you mean we accepted the case? We never agreed to that!" Todd had tried not to sound rude with his little outburst, but judging by the look on Farrah's face it hadn't worked.

Unperturbed, Dumbledore answered Todd's question. "Not out loud. The letter was charmed to detect your interest in the case - when the third person touched the paper, the spell was activated to bring you here." There was a moment of silence in which Todd and Farah turned slowly to look at Dirk with raised eyebrows - he had been the last person to touch the paper, after all.

Dirk's eyes widened almost comically as he hastened to defend himself. "Hey, I didnt know that was going to happen! But I'm rather glad it did - it means that we can look into this fascinating case!" His face was once again split by a grin that, begrudgingly, Todd admitted was very endearing. It rather suited the lanky British detective.

As she looked between her friends, who were gazing into each other's eyes as they bickered, Farrah decided that she'd had enough. "Not that I don't love listening to you guys argue, but I'm wet and freezing. Can we move this discussion inside?" Dirk and Todd looked at her, slightly bewildered, then shifted their attention to her clothes and understood. Farrah was wearing grey shorts and a white shirt; a white shirt that was now far more transparent than it had originally been. Both men quickly averted their eyes, blushing furiously.

Dumbledore, who had watched the entire interaction with a knowing smile on his face, spoke up. "Of course, follow me." He turned and began walking towards the castle that, somehow, none of the three had noticed while they were waiting outside. Exchanging slightly confused looks, they hurried to follow him.

* * *

By the time they reached the kitchens, Todd was fairly sure that he would never learn his way around the castle. He was also fairly sure that if Dirk tried to go somewhere unaccompanied, he would get so lost that they would never see him again - the man really was hopeless with directions. As Dumbledore tickled the pear and the painting swung aside, Farrah and Todd watched in shock and amazement, nodding dumbly when Dumbledore explained the house elves to them. Meanwhile, Dirk had been accosted by an elf and was now sipping appreciatively on a cup of tea.

"Would missy be likings a drink to warm yous up?" The voice of a house elf startled Farrah out of her musings.

Farrah blinked down at the eager elf. "Excuse me?"

Todd's shout distracted her. "Woah! How did you do that?" With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore had dried their clothes for them - Farrah especially was pleased, as this meant that her shirt was no longer see through.

Dumbledore smiled, the expression adding to his grandfatherly aura. "Magic, Mr," here he paused, realising that although he had introduced himself, he had never actually asked for their names. "Gently?"

Todd snorted slightly. "Oh, no, I'm not Dirk Gently. That's Dirk Gently." He nodded towards Dirk, who was now nibbling at some kind of pastry. "I'm Todd, Todd Brotzman."

Dumbledore sighed. "Ah, my apologies Mr Brotzman. The person who so kindly gave me your information, as useful as it was, failed to give a description of Mr Gently."

Todd shrugged. "Hey, don't worry about it."

Finally noticing that he was being talked about, Dirk joined the conversation. "Speaking of this mysterious person, what can you tell us about them? How do they know about me?" Dirk flopped ungracefully onto a nearby chair, tensing when it wobbled precariously and only relaxing when it had stopped moving. Todd suppressed a smirk. Idiot.

Dumbledore raised his hands placatingly. "All in good time Mr Gently, they have assured me that they will introduce and explain themselves to you in due course."

An expression flitted across Dirk's face that could only be described as a pout. "Alright."

Dumbledore sat down too, encouraging Farrah and Todd to do the same. "Now, onto the situation at hand. As I am sure you read in the article, the Goblet of Fire -"

In unison, Todd and Dirk asked, "The what?"

Throwing her hands up in frustration, Farrah cried, "Oh my God did either of you actually read the article?" As she stared at them impatiently, it became obvious that she was waiting for a proper answer from them both.

Dirk shrugged. "I got distracted by the moving picture." He shot Farrah a winning smile that she ignored as she turned to focus on Todd.

Todd aimed a mini glare at Dirk. "I got distracted by Dirk hitting me because he got excited over the moving picture." The slightly hurt look on Dirk's face almost made him feel guilty. Almost.

Farrah let out a long suffering sigh and returned her attention to Professor Dumbledore. "I am sorry Professor - this type of magic is very new to us, and clearly the boys got a little too excited over it." The sharpness in her tone at the end of her sentence made both boys flinch a little. Farrah could be extremely intimidating when she wanted to be.

Dumbledore smiled. "Not to worry, I am well used to seeing excitement over magic by now." Suddenly, he became more serious, and they made an effort to listen: clearly this would be important. "Allow me to explain: the Triwizard Tournament is held between three schools; Hogwarts, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. Students enter their names into the Goblet of Fire, an enchanted goblet that randomly selects a name that has been placed within it. Whoever is chosen has to compete in the Tournament. Now, because of the potential danger of the three tasks that make up the Tournament, an age line was placed around the Goblet so that nobody under the age of seventeen could put their name in. This is why the fact that Harry Potter - who is fourteen years old - is now being forced to compete in this tournament is so worrying to myself and my staff."

Farrah nodded thoughtfully. "Because no student should have been able to cross that line unless they were seventeen, right?"

Dumbledore agreed. "That is correct, Miss Black."

Struggling to keep up, Todd tried to make it sound like he understood the situation. "So, what? Someone tampered with this age line thing?"

The distress looked so out of place on Dumbledore that, for a moment, Todd thought he'd said something very wrong. "That is our current fear. Having drawn the age line myself, I know that it should have been impossible to tamper with, meaning that for Harry's name to enter the goblet, someone incredibly powerful and dangerous is involved."

Todd nodded. "And you want us to find them?" He seemed to be catching up with the discussion - it sort of made sense to him now. He decided that he would double check with Farrah later just to make sure he hadn't got the wrong end of the stick at any point.

For a few moments, Dumbledore looked pensive."Partly. I would also appreciate it if you were able to protect Harry and his friends. They are not magically strong enough yet, and if our suspicions are correct and dark magic is involved, they will need someone to help them if they find themselves in trouble."

The incredulity on Farrah's face reassured Todd a little; at least he wasn't the only one shocked. "How are we supposed to protect them? We can't use magic!" This seemed like a very obvious flaw that Dumbledore hadn't spotted, which didn't exactly improve Todd's faith in the man.

However, Dumbledore had an answer to that too. "During my conversation with our - shall we say mutual acquaintance? - they mentioned that Miss Black was exceptional at martial arts, and that you two gentlemen had a knack for getting yourselves out of problematic situations."

Todd scoffed. "I wouldn't exactly call it a knack for getting OUT of trouble..."

Farrah smacked his leg lightly, clearly not wanting Dumbledore to begin questioning their usefulness in this situation - she had to admit, she was intrigued, and she would be gutted if they were asked to leave now without finding a resolution to this particular case. "We'll protect him as best as we can Professor. May I ask, where are we staying while we're investigating this?"

Dumbledore smiled, indicating the small army bustling about the kitchens. "I will have one of the elves show you to your rooms for the duration of the stay."

Todd found himself yawning; he didn't realise how exhausted he truly was until the thought of a room with a bed had entered his mind. Turning to his companions, his eyes narrowed. "Dirk, did you listen to any of that?"

Dirk jolted violently, clearly snapping out of his reverie and back to reality." Pardon? Well, I'm sure you'll explain it all to me in the morning Todd. Come on! I want to see our rooms!" Leaping out of the chair, he allowed a house elf to begin leading him out of the kitchens.

Todd pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Farrah, if I try to punch him on the way to our rooms, don't stop me."

Farrah rolled her eyes and grinned, and the two got up to follow Dirk and the elf so they wouldn't be too far behind, leaving Dumbledore in the kitchen to contemplate how to introduce them to the student body of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the morning.

A/N: I hope you guys have enjoyed this chapter! Again, all reviews are very welcome!

Much love, Azzie xxx


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